Sophi The Elephant 7-16-14

Sophi The Elephant 7-16-14

I was having lunch with a friend this week who said they read my Blog about my grief journey. As part of my new normal, I've met a lot of wonderful people who are now in my life, mainly through my work and the people I am privileged to serve. I've also met new friends who didn't know Trent or me before, and I realized I haven't read any of the things I've written since I wrote them - part of my own therapy of writing and getting it all out and moving forward. So it made me think, "what would someone who I didn't know until recently think & learn when they read my Grief Blogs?" I know at the core I'm the same person, but I'm also different in a lot of ways - a result of the Shift and now aware that the place I am now I can only describe as being "Awakened". What I also know is being cracked open and brought to my knees is part of the Shift I've experienced

I figured I was pretty raw and open when I wrote and knew it had been a while since my last written reflection, since Trent's birthday in October. Getting through the holidays this past year, my coping mechanism was to make myself super busy and suppress. It worked pretty well since I didn't cry on our Wedding Anniversary, his 2 year passing date, Thanksgiving or Christmas and I made sure I was surrounded by family and friends to create new, happy memories and traditions. That doesn't mean I didn't cry in between, but it's becoming less and less and more far and few between instead of a regular occurrence as it used to be. The grief still hits me and affects me by occasional extreme fatigue and that's when I know I better acknowledge it and get it out. And, I still can't remember things, events or people, especially the first year after his passing.

So, I re-read all of my Grief Blogs the other night. Wow, not only do I barely remember writing any of it, but I wondered how could I have expressed all of that? When I re-read each one, it sounds like I was doing pretty well, and able to be very open and share, which is something I don't typically do unless it's within my close circle. So I was surprised when I read some of the things I shared. Showing vulnerability or asking for help has never been my thing.  So reading my Grief Journey made me feel pretty vulnerable and for the first time, totally ok with that. Especially when  I saw posts from people that I had not seen before and was overwhelmed with their support, love and encouragement. I then thought that maybe I should write an update since some people seem to really care and want to know how this journey is going.

As life would have it, the very next morning (yesterday), I got a FaceBook message from my friend Heather, who I haven't seen in a long time, who said she had read my Greif Journey the night before and that she was "so glad I blog so she can keep up on how I am". She shared she lost her mom unexpectedly last September and the difficulties she's experienced, and that "your words help and really hit home and helped and that, that I am so many things to so many people and that I continue to inspire in ways I don't realize." Again, wow moment and overcome with love, support (and still humbly surprised when people tell me this) and that YES, I need to keep writing and sharing my story and grief journey so that other people can be helped. Of course, each in their own way.

Feb. 2nd will mark the 2 year, 3 month anniversary of Trent's sudden passing. What I know for sure is that this thing called the Grief Journey is constant and doesn't have a deadline or timeframe, even though some people would like there to be. Both those of us going through it and those around us that don't fully understand and can't figure out why we (survivors) are so different or not ready for something. As one of my new friends who happens to be a widow herself shared with me last week, It can be something as simple as fixing a particular meal, knowing her husband would have loved it, that can all the sudden make her feel like she's been kicked in the gut and can bring us to our knees. I SOOO got that, as I have moments where out of nowhere, things are flowing well and happily then something would trigger me unexpectedly to feel ripped open & torn apart. And those that think, "Still? She still feels like that?" YES, still and it's okay......................whether you understand or not.

What I know for sure is that I now have more good days than bad days.  I still choose to be happy and am really enjoying the continued creation of my new normal. I love my new life and I know how blessed I am and I am excited for what the future will bring. I wake up each morning with immense gratitude and excitement for what the day brings and what I want to accomplish. My morning ritual starts with prayer of gratitude (along with my lemon water) and a brief (I'm talking 2 minutes or so) meditation, something I'm really trying to practice! I didn't think I could ever get to this place, not even a year ago. I know that I am connected to the other side and I'm fully aware that I am being guided. I also know I'm serving my Divine Purpose - to serve others by helping people live their best lives through health and fitness.

What I know for sure is that I have been Awakened and that I have become aware again, and am open and always seeking to learn more. When I made my Vision Board for 2015, as I've done for 11 years, I chose the title theme "Lighter, Brighter & Energized'. That sums up where I am today and what I want create more of - to be for others and myself. And I still take it One Bite At A Time, One Day At A Time.

If you're reading this, thank you. Thank you for your encouragement, support and inspiration. Love, Susan

P.S. This photo was taken at the Indianapolis Zoo, when I took the Sophia, my nephew Jeff and neighbor kids Megan and Jack to the Zoo. It was the first time I had been since before (Trent passed) and a "full circle" moment where I got to meet in person, Sophie The Elephant, who is a significant part of my story, grief journey and my Awakening.